Tiger Woods Is Not Where You Think He Is

Tiger Woods is in New York City.

And the Bahamas.

And Palm Beach.

And Tucson, Arizona.

And Phoenix, Arizona.

And Mississippi.

Busy guy. But you know that already.

What you don’t know is why Tiger Woods is everywhere. Until now.
Conspiracy Corner, Comic Con 2009 Brick

Let’s say you’re a world-class playa (and, oh, yes, a world-class athlete, but whatever—not nearly as interesting. To us. Or to you.) And let’s say the ball-and-chain has lowered the boom, the nine-iron and probably a court-issued ankle bracelet.

Game over.

At this point, your No. 1 concern is, no, not getting back on the field, but restoring yourself as a hero-stud in the eyes of your boys. (Playas think they’re all about the ladies, but really they’re all about impressing the guys.)

Now how’s a playa who’s in the doghouse going to do that? He’s going do what all playas do when they’re not getting any action: He’s going to talk about getting action.

He’s going to let it slip here that he’s chatting up women in a swanky Manhattan hotel bar. Let it slip there that he’s yachting to the bikini-wearing Bahamas. Let it slip here and there and everywhere that he is without a doubt the world’s biggest sex addict. (Amateurs like David Duchovny need the help of one clinic; pros like you need three!) Heck, even hire an eyewitness to tell us that he was  in a Mississippi airport on Monday night.

Why, the playa, is everywhere! Everywhere! Except has anyone really seen him? Because, for all the Elvis intrigue these past weeks, the playa isn’t anywhere.

Except in that doghouse.

Waiting to be let out on his next supervised walk.

With the ball-and-chain.

(OK, the one thing we buy is that Woods is assembling a $3 million relief team for quake-devastated Haiti. The man’s a man, after all, not a heartless machine—plus, he’s a proven star when it comes to recruiting folks via text and phone messages. Hope Haiti needs cocktail waitresses…)

Now that we’ve told you where we think Woods isn’t, please don’t tell his boys.

To a playa, sex scandals aren’t embarrassing; sexless scandals are.

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