Perpetually troubled funnyman Andy Dick was arrested in West Virginia Saturday morning on two felony charges of first-degree sexual abuse, the Huntington Police Department confirms to E! News.

Police are keeping the details under wraps, due to the ongoing investigation, but the comedian is expected to be arraigned early this afternoon. Dick is in West Virgina for six scheduled performances throughout the weekend at the Funny Bone Comedy Club, and according to a club rep, Saturday night’s show will go on.

“He had two shows last night and dominated, he was on fire,” Funny Bone manager Tom Schaefer tells E! News. “The best I’ve ever seen him.”

Dick was reportedly celebrating his sobriety early Friday, but a source who was with the actor throughout the day says that by the end of the night, the former Celebrity Rehab castoff had fallen off the wagon.

Officers responded to a call at Rum Runners nightclub, where two victims, a bartender and clubgoer, as well as several witnesses, alleged Dick “engaged in unwanted, and uninvited groping of the two victims genital areas,” according to a statement from the Huntington PD.

Dick’s newest legal woes come while he’s on probation for a similar crime, following a 2008 arrest for allegedly exposing himself to and groping a teenage girl.

The actor avoided jail time but was sentenced to three years’ probation, a portion of which he needed to wear a SCRAM ankle bracelet to detect any drug and alcohol use.

That would be Hope for Haiti Now: A Global Benefit for Earthquake Relief, taking place in Los Angeles, New York, London and Haiti, and masterminded by George Clooney and Wyclef Jean.

Aside from the dozens of musical artists, such as Madonna, Beyoncé, Rihanna, Bono, Coldplay and Bruce Springsteen, who have signed on to perform, and actors ranging from Brad Pitt to Robert Pattinson to Morgan Freeman, who are scheduled to speak, MTV has announced more than 100 all-star operators.

To contribute during the telethon, either go to hopeforhaitinow.org, text “GIVE” to 50555 or call 877-99-HAITI. Ben Affleck, Jack Nicholson, Taylor Lautner, Alec Baldwin, Ellen DeGeneres, Penélope Cruz, Zac Efron, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Aniston or a Jonas brother just might be on the other end of the line.

Donations can also be mailed to: Hope for Haiti Now Fund, Entertainment Industry Foundation, 1201 West 5th Street, Suite T-700, Los Angeles, CA 90017.

All proceeds will be split among Oxfam America, Partners in Health, the Red Cross, UNICEF, United Nations World Food Programme, Yéle Haiti Foundation, and the newly formed Clinton Bush Haiti Foundation.

Stay tuned here at E! Online for a live stream of the entire telethon at 5 p.m. PT.

The show will also be carried by MTV Networks (MTV, VH1, CMT, Comedy Central, Nickelodeon), which spearheaded the effort, as well as ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN, BET, The CW, HBO, PBS, TNT, Showtime, Bravo, E!, National Geographic Channel, Oxygen, G4, Centric, Current TV, Fuse, MLB Network, EPIX, Palladia, SoapNet, Style, Discovery Health, Planet Green, CNN en Español, HBO Latino, and Canadian networks including CBC Television, CTV, Global Television and MuchMusic.

Britney Spears is getting rid of a few things. Her conservatorship isn’t one of them.

Despite speculation that the 28-year-old pop star was heading to court Friday to get the ball rolling on ending her father’s control over her financial and medical affairs, E! News has learned that such was not the case.

Instead, money—both to give and receive—was the order of the day.

At the request of Geraldine Wyle, attorney for the conservatorship, L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz agreed to seal today’s proceedings because of the “medical and personal information” being discussed.

Following afternoon recess, Goetz signed off on the conservators’ request regarding “the disposal of certain property” and their desire to auction off a dress Britney wore to the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards to benefit Haiti earthquake relief.

No one divulged what said property was, only that it included “items no longer useful to Spears.”

“She’s perfectly satisfied with the disposal of property,” the singer’s attorney, Samuel Ingham, said after court today. And “she was very enthusiastic” about the Haiti donation, he added.

Britney wasn’t around for the hearing postmortem, however.

The currently brunette “Circus” songstress, who showed up alongside dad Jamie wearing a black skirt and gray jacket, had to leave early because of a prior commitment with her kids.

She is “appreciative of the extra time and energy the court has given” to these proceedings, Ingham said.

Tara Reid got engaged Monday to boyfriend Michael Axtmann after he popped the question at a Los Angeles restaurant, her rep confirms to E! News.

The couple were dining at the Little Door when “Michael surprised Tara with a beautiful round brilliant cut ring,” her rep tells People. “Tara was so happy, and the other patrons clapped and yelled out, ‘Congratulations.’”

Sounds like a fairytale beginning for the betrothed couple.

(And it’s also a happy ending for the Awful Truth, which was concerned that this was Reid’s engagement ring.)

Reid, who’s currently strutting her retooled stuff on the January-February cover of Playboy, was engaged to Carson Daly nearly 10 years ago, but this will be her first trip down the aisle.

There aren’t too many people on Twitter wishing happy days for Scott Baio right now.

The former sitcom star’s is being reamed by fellow Twitter users after posting a highly unflattering photo of Michelle Obama with the accompanying comment, “WOW He wakes up to this every morning.”

Very ungentlemanly behavior toward the first lady, yes, but probably just a douchey attempt at a joke from an avowed Republican with issues.

“People need to relax and laugh a bit,” a probably startled Baio wrote when the onslaught began of people calling him everything from racist to a-hole to irrelevant. “Life is too short no matter what party you are with. A joke is just that, a joke.”

The tweeters who say they want him dead aren’t seeing the humor, however.

“PLEASE NOTE: The FBI has been contacted & we have a file number for the threats, along with twitter support. Thx,” Baio wrote at about noon today in response to posts like this one:

“Timafi: ‘easy to find your house Scottie boy and finish YOU. I am a republican and I love Mrs O.’”

Ishatonu “wonders how long until @RealScottBaio realizes his career is dead. Resorting to insulting Michelle Obama will only further his irrelevancy.”

“LOL @RealScottBaio got called out for being a racist mean spirit asshole and now he is having a meltdown via twitter,” wrote an apparently tickled windycitywatch.

“One bad picture of a woman & everyone wants to bash me? If it had been of Palin ppl would have prob. cheered. I am NOT making fun of any1,” countered a baffled Baio, who earlier today posted a photo of him and a woman he identified as his wife’s black best friend as further defense against the racism accusations.

But informing Twitter users that he had contacted the authorities didn’t stop the bum rush.

“Do everyone a favor @realscottbaio, and KILL YOURSELF!” user TrendZ86 wrote on Baio’s page at around 3 p.m.

“I love you to @TrendZ86 Waa Wa Wa.. LMAO,” the Charles in Charge star responded. “Funny thing is I’ve jumped to almost 5000 because ppl like to hate. You’d think they wouldn’t follow. I block’em & play golf.”

Kidding. The Hollywood Reporter’s story that Quincy Jones and Lionel Richie are planning a 25th-anniversary rerecording of “We Are the World” to benefit earthquake victims in Haiti is awesome news.

Word is, the 21st-century version of the 1985 all-star classic, featuring Richie, Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Cyndi Lauper, Billy Joel and so many more, was set to be performed on Jan. 28 as part of an anniversary celebration. But when a 7.0 earthquake destroyed the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince on Jan. 12, the project turned into a fundraising opportunity.

Usher, John Legend, and Natalie Cole are among those who have been invited so far, but we imagine that list will greatly expand in the coming days.

The celebration, which will spawn a single and music video, has been rescheduled for Feb. 1, the day after the Grammys, at Los Angeles’ Nokia Theater.

Legend is among the confirmed performers for Friday’s multiplatform Hope for Haiti: A Global Benefit for Earthquake Relief, which will air live on E! and be streaming at Ellepedia.

Proceeds from the original “We Are the World” went to USA for Africa, with one of the earliest live performances of the song taking place at Live Aid, where nearly 100 artists gathered onstage to sing what ultimately became a quadruple-platinum hit.

Do not under any circumstances read this item if you love Gossip Girl and you don’t want to be spoiled for a huge/major/giant tragic plot twist that’s coming toward the end of the season.

No one is getting killed off, but what does happen is nearly as bad as a character death. Still want to know? Really? OK, but don’t say we didn’t warn you…

Chuck (Ed Westwick) and Blair (Leighton Meester) are breaking up.

If you lurk on the right message boards, you’ve already heard this awful news, but I can tell you now that the rumors are true, confirmed and, well, killing me.

My sources at the CW aren’t even trying to make me feel better about this horrible twist. Insiders tell me, “It’s a bad, bad breakup.” Ugh!

Apparently, after almost a full season of near bliss between Upper East Side soul mates Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf, when the happy romantic scenes are finally snatched away from us, the culprit will be Chuck.

I’m told Chuck does “something horrible,” and that everyone is going hate him for it. (Oh, Charles, you were on your way to being the paterfamilias of Gossip Girl’s little gang, and now this! Betrayal and disappointment at every turn!)

Jack Bass (Desmond Harrington) is also implicated in the end of Chair, but of course, we’d expect nothing less from the likes of that villain.

No word yet on how long this relationshipocalypse will last, but apparently it begins unfolding in either episode 17 (”Inglourious Bassterds”) or episode 18 (”The Unblairable Lightness of Being”), both of which are set to air in mid-April.

Let the weeping and rending of garments begin. (I’ll start. Whaaaaa!!) Hit the comments with your thoughts on this terrible turn of events.

“Brooke had to have emergency surgery to have her wisdom tooth extracted,” Mueller’s mother, Moira Fiore, exclusively tells E! News. “It became infected.  The infection spread and now she has pneumonia in both lungs.”

Mueller was admitted to the ICU at Sherman Oaks Hospital today with a 105-degree fever and, according to her attorney, she’s “not doing great.”

“Brooke is still in the hospital. She’s doing OK but she’s not doing great,” lawyer Yale Galanter tells E! News. “We thought there was a possibility she was going to be released today, but she’s not because she has developed pneumonia in her lungs.”

While a postponement is expected, a judge in Aspen, Colo., will officially rule tomorrow morning on whether to accept the motion to take the 32-year-old’s order of protection hearing against husband Charlie Sheen off the docket for the week, according to Galanter.

Read the motion.

“When her medical condition changed, it was my opinion there was no way she could be in Aspen for a Friday hearing, and the judge is not allowing her to appear by phone,” he said. “So, we filed a motion requesting the hearing date be pushed to Feb. 8.”

Mueller and Sheen were originally supposed to appear yesterday, but the hearing was bumped to Friday after Mueller became ill. A judge had ordered both spouses to be present.

Also today, Pitkin County District Court Judge James Boyd approved Galanter’s emergency motion to allow Sheen to visit his wife in the hospital, which he’s already done.

“The judge did sign an order allowing Charlie and Brooke to have contact,” Galanter said. “The order will read as long as Brooke is in the hospital, Charlie can see her.

Read the ruling.

“The judge wants to have a status conference on that issue tomorrow morning at 9 a.m., so nothing has been decided,” he continued. “The reports saying the hearing has been canceled are wrong. The judge has not made a decision on our request one way or another.”

Boyd denied Galanter’s request to allow an ailing Mueller to participate Wednesday via teleconference.

Conan O’Brien’s Tonight Show is officially yesterday’s news.

After weeks of behind-the-scenes maneuvering, public insult swapping and some of the sharpest hours of late-night in the medium’s history, NBC has officially parted ways with Team CoCo, reinserting Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show.

O’Brien will bid the gig adieu on Friday, and Leno will return to captain the late-night talker on March 1.

O’Brien’s departure, however, is not without its recompense. His severance deal is said to be worth roughly $45 million, and will include a $33 million payout both for NBC’s breach of his contract and 12 million thanks-for-playing bucks for his most senior staff members.

“In the end, Conan was appreciative of the steps NBC made to take care of his staff and crew, and decided to supplement the severance they were getting out of his own pocket,” O’Brien’s manager, Gavin Polone, told the Wall Street Journal. “Now he just wants to get back on the air as quickly as possible.”

According to the paper, the deal may include a provision that would bar or limit Conan from hosting a show on another network for a set period of time.

Luckily, that period won’t be too long as O’Brien will be allowed back on air as early as September.

The Golden Globes was “leaden.” Host Ricky Gervais “bomb[ed].” Put ‘em all together, and what do you have? A hit!

Last night’s Golden Globes reached the telecast’s biggest audience since before the 2008 show-killing writers’ strike, in-need-of-good-news NBC said.

The three-hour show, aired live nationwide, averaged nearly 17 million per the network and held off the premiere of 24 (estimated 11.5 million), the debut of Human Target (10.1 million) and the usual bigness of Desperate Housewives (11.2 million).

So what did everybody think of the Avatar-acclaiming, Hangover-hailing, Glee-raising show?

Oddly enough, considering the strong numbers and feel-good Mo’Nique and Michael C. Hall moments, they, meaning the critics, didn’t think much of it.

“All in all, kind of dull, really,” Keith Phipps blogged on The A.V. Club. “And Gervais wasn’t really in his element.”

The Hollywood Reporter deigned the show “leaden even by Oscar standards,” dinged Gervais as “uninspired” and lobbied for Sherlock Holmes winner Robert Downey Jr. to get the host gig next year.

Huffington Post blogger Mark Blankenship was struck by the “shocking ineptitude of the direction and production”—and yes, this critique included the poor crew guy who altered Chloë Sevigny’s Valentino gown with his big foot.

Gervais received his harshest review from author Toby Young blogging for the London Telegraph, or rather from Young’s headline writer, who came up with the following: “Ricky Gervais bombs at the Golden Globes.”

Young, who admitted to filing his report only 45 minutes into the show, decided his fellow Brit looked nervous and on the verge of flop sweat “as it became clear that his penis gags and his ironic-but-not-really attempts to promote his DVDs were falling flat.”

New York magazine tuned in to a different show, arguing the only problem with Gervais was that there wasn’t enough of him: “What he did was good!”

Then again, there wasn’t even critical concensus on the speeches. The Hollywood Reporter thought the impassioned thank-yous from the likes of Sandra Bullock helped save the night; New York found most of them boring.

After the last couple of Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien weeks it’s had, NBC will take boring. And big ratings.